Autumn's Weird Little Journal
2022-09-05Had a rough one - don't really remember most of it honestly. Mainly relationship issues. Have been dissociative/depressed/dysphoric, having a really weird time about sex. Hope next entry will be better than this one.
2022-08-08Been busy. Time for subsections. ### Seagulls There've been some baby seagulls growing up on the roof across from us since we moved in. They're real round and fluffy and keep their necks hunched all the time. They just waddle around and yell for food sometimes. One of them was more developed than the other. We were just waiting for them to start flying pretty much, we could see them thinking about it. Then we saw the older one just walking in the road one day, probably just landed, looked very silly just walkin around, refused to fly to avoid people and just kept walking as fast as it could. We laughed a lot. ### Fuckin Been having weird brain about fuckin - don't know anyone in this new place; got a penis; got strange hangups; don't have a phone that can use dating apps: etc. Anyway after some lamenting i've ordered a burner android so i can find ppl to fuck. And maybe make friends. ### Server We got internet. No more walking to the library for free wifi. This means i'm back doing things on the server tho. * Found a bunch of webrings (too many), we've been sorting thru them to put them on the webgasket. * Made cards.tranarchy.fish with rowan - try this: ``` $ curl cards.tranarchy.fish/~autumn ``` ### Community Garden Found out we live next to a sweet community garden. They've got a big bee hive, vegetable patches, fruit trees, little memorials dotted around, it's very lovely. Want to try and do things to help out there.
2022-10-07i have no idea how it's over 2 weeks since the last entry... hm. Once again don't really remember much. i will do my best. i dyed my hair a bit. i think i look good: => https://social.tranarchy.fish/@autumnull/statuses/01GC7FDZ04D3ZA6B8A1QE1991W photo have refactored the guestbook so it works on gemini too. generally struggling with my brain. seem to have some kind of significant brain event most days, not sure if that will last but it can be tiring. i keep fucking up my medication patterns because of this which means i'm not very horny which in turn means that i don't feel like a real person. i have been rethinking the ways i relate to people, sex, etc. I think it will take me a while longer still to feel settled. i've started doing crochet again (it's seasonal). i went to a craft evening at the local yarn store, it was nice. I will probably go again - i want to have diverse groups of people to interact with, both because it will give me more of a support network, and because it avoids creating ingroup dynamics in my social sphere (don't get me started on ingroup dynamics in the social sphere). i started watching the original star trek series with [trans creature who i love]. it is silly and fun. want to watch more. it's been raining a lot. i am starting to get into cold-weather mode and i like it <3
2023-02-23Finished watching TOS forever ago now. It lives in an endearing little place in my heart. Have written various little projects in Hare that I'm really happy with: => https://git.sr.ht/~autumnull/haredump haredump - a little file embedding program => https://git.sr.ht/~autumnull/haredo haredo - a simple little build automator => https://git.sr.ht/~autumnull/treecat treecat - a directory displaying and archiving tool I'm currently working (incessantly) on: => https://git.sr.ht/~autumnull/lagomorph lagomorph - Parsing Expression Grammars and i'm determined to get it to have all the specific neat features that i want: linear time, left recursion, incremental parsing, error recovery. I must've been working on it for about a month already. After that i wana write a silly APL interpreter and then maybe get back to writing Toasted. I apparently didn't write any journals for pretty much the whole of winter, but I had a good time in general. I won't remember all of it but I have a lot less "what the fuck happened" feelings about it than my last journal entries. There was some really beautiful absurdities in there, my room was covered in glitter for several weeks because i fucked a guy who'd spilled glitter all over himself, i still find dots of glitter attached to my genitals pretty regularly. I have loved so deeply and cared for so openly. I am proud and surrounded in spirits. I haven't had any new dates because rowan broke their phone and is using the one i used to use for fucking. It's becoming spring and it's gorgeous, and i'm gorgeous, and the rain is sweet and and and and ugh i feel like every winter i pass through i come out the other side taller and more passionate. The collection of people i talk to regularly are coarsing with disparate imaginations and interests and it's really lovely. I'm on injectable E and bica. Seems to be working better, i started lactating which is fun (and i'm definitely not using it for sex, that would be a pervert thing to do and i've never been perverse in my life). glad to be back to self-medding, if annoyed that i gave up that agency for a little while. I'm in love in so many ways and with so many things :)
2022-12-14Have watched nearly all of TOS. I went to visit a friend in Belfast for most of a week, to get a change of scenery and to hang out. That was really nice. I love her a lot and i'm glad we got to just lay around in bed together for a week. I think we both came out of it appreciating each other in new ways which is really fulfilling. Relationship anxiety is at an all-time low (as in good - not much anxiety), which is nice. I just kinda decided to trust what people say about their feelings and now i do. I'm very content. Still haven't resolved my HRT situation but i have at least planned out a regimen to switch to and ordered the meds. I'm still pissy but i've sorted stuff out a bit better. I'm mainly pissy actually that I bothered to trust the NHS to tell me what meds to take for so long. Definitely not worth it. Anyway i'm gona get on E injections like i intended to before i got with the GIC. It's getting cold! really cold. Milo said i might've got a cold injury the other day just from being indoors in bed. brr. I have acquired a cute black cosy dressing gown with a hood which is helping. Rowan also maybe figured out how the heating works, we don't rly know. It's still pretty fucking cold in here tho so i'm collecting cosy items to adorn myself with. Generally i'm doing pretty good i think. I don't have much energy to do things in the cold but my anxiety is a lot less. I had a date yesterday that was cute in spite of the cold and have another date this weekend that i'm looking forward to. Kirk out.
2022-09-19Worked a shit-ton on a text editor. Lost all sense of time, don't remember anything at all for like, a week or more in there. But the text editor works, basically. I'll write a proper segment about it at some point. Forgot to take my meds somewhere in there which didn't help, went fully catatonic and couldn't do anything at all. Anyway it was fine. => https://git.sr.ht/~autumnull/toasted The text editor is called Toasted Feeling better about the relationship issues, and the sexuality as a result. Had a really really lovely date with 3 trans ppl. Have been feeling more connected to people, very compassionate, very in love. Navigating networks of relationships and deciphering my feelings, think it's good for me. Spent the last few days fixing up the server.
2022-07-28We're starting our move to Glasgow today. I'm excited and sappy and want to have a good time there so i've decided to start a journal. I wrote a bit about more about my reasons on the social which i'll just quote: > &loop thinking about getting into journalling little things once we get there. my memory sucks these days so it'd be some kind of time-handle in that way but i also think it might encourage me to take a bit more of a possibility-space outlook on being social and making the most of my time while i'm there. i don't really expect anyone to read it but i think my brain is just in a sappy mood and when i'm sappy i say things like ;&loop JMP2
It's astounding... time is fleeting... madness... takes its toll...
Doing fine. Learning hare, the programming language, it's really good. Looking into translating the text editor code i've written so far into it, because i want it to be faster and littler. Anyway it's good.
As i write this i'm torrenting all of star trek TOS. I am looking forward to watching more of it, i think i could get really into it. But i want to savor it a little. It's weird and nice.
Main stressor in my life has returned- frustratingly -to being my transition. GP won't take my bloods or prescribe for me, and i'm now out of E patches and i'm due a blocker shot. I'm really mad about it, i am mad that the world is one big traffic jam of power structures shrugging and gesturing at each other. I am getting the urge to just piss off and sit in a field for a week or more. Maybe i will do this. Maybe i won't. it would take some small planning.
I had to stop my progesterone for a bit because i fucked up my ass, lol. Back on those now tho. My teeth is kinda fucked up but i think they'll get better if i keep taking care of them.
Kinda getting sick of sit-at-computer-write-programs-ville. Hankerin to be doing other things. I will find other things to do in the next little while, probably. Watching star trek is number one. Want to spend more time with people i like. don't know where a lot of the last month went. but that's okay. settling, i guess. love u. <3
CW: Non-Consensual Sex
Mainly been thinking about/doing sex stuff. Got Lex and Feeld on the burner phone. Shite phone, fit for purpose. Neither app is good to use, sick of apps. Found out lots of ppl think i'm hot tho, so that's nice. We went to a kink munch which was genuinely nice, met some very lovely trans girls, one of whom i got on really well with - she was gorgeous and we were very into each other so we ended up fucking in the bathroom. Wanna hang out with her so much more, can't wait to see her again.
Got increasingly horny to the point where I pretty much wasn't functioning. Arranged 2 meet up with some dom trans guy off feeld but i cancelled and he went off the handle so good that i dodged that one, but then walked straight into inviting some vaguely-fem enby over that i'd just matched, who wasn't how i thought they'd be, and had some bad non-consensual sex. Then had a breakdown about it in the shower. Have been feeling depressed and dissociated since then. Anyway have invited a trans couple off feeld who seem chill over for dinner, kinda just want some friends at this point, had enough of thinking about fuckin for a bit.
Have mainly been ill. Got tonsillitis and just slept on and off the past couple days, had to cancel a few dates i was looking forward to. oh well. soon i'll be more mentally stable and less ill and will be able to enjoy them more anyway.
Made good on a few dates:
- got topped by the biggest bottom in the world
- hung out with a very cute trans girl
- became so horny about her boyfriend that i couldn't speak
so, really, standard occurrences :)
Besides that we invited/onboarded Dandelion onto the server which i'm really happy about, and also have been working on various server tasks like making a manual page for new users to read, setting up email, etc. Still haven't been feeling perfect after being ill so i've not been as outgoing as i might otherwise. Think my immune system is just adjusting to being in a new place.
Moved to glasgow. Spent the last few days picking things apart to get the flat settled - think we've just about got there. No internet yet, but set up local wifi with the old Virgin Media box i had lying around, and got the server hooked up on LAN so I can type this. Been a little deranged, want to be able to discover things locally but don't have the means to without internet. Currently attempting to sell my brother's old gaming PC because it eats power and is bulky as hell, so am lying on the floor in front of a BIOS screen doing memory checks for trying to flash windows back on it. Been on too many trips to big tesco.